My heart cringes at the thought of more school, despite everyone's advice. My dad and I biked down to the American River, I was holding the brakes so tightly that my hand cramped up, but they still weren't slowing me down. That's how I feel about the future right now. He said I should jump off the bridge. I waited a while, going back and forth; really, it wasn't the fall that scared me so much (I trusted his judgement) as that I wasn't sure I wanted to get in that cold water. Eventually you just step off and go with it and you're in the air for a few seconds wondering what the heck you're doing. Then comes the smackdown and the cold water. Whatever the next step is, it feels kinda like that right now.
Please stop asking your kids what they want to be when they grow up. They'll come up with their own dreams in due time, and I think it's a distortion of reality that we "are" our jobs.
When I was in fourth grade, I was in a play where I was the shopkeeper of the "I'm-going-to-be Shop"...I helped all the different kids find their careers and rationalized with the guy who wanted to be "A do-nothing frog, who sleeps in the sun" (Heh...in hindsight I wonder what political agenda the play had--why didn't we just perform "the Hairy Ape?"). I definitely was wearing a maroon apron (in practice it was a Raggedy Ann and Andy one). It's either cruel irony or fate that, now that I've graduated, my work uniform at Braum's (an Ice Cream/Grocery Store) includes, among other things, a bright maroon apron.
Speaking of Braum's, if you ever want a snapshot of your society, work checkout in a grocery store and talk to the customers as they come through (heck, just talk to your co-workers). I've met architects, mechanics, lawyers, all kinds of kids and students, World War II Vets, working women and grandparents. Most people just give the standard answers and don't elaborate much, but I've had some thought-provoking run-ins:
"So what have you been up to today?" I ask the grandmotherly woman across the checkout.
"If I told you that, I'd get arrested."
"What have you been up to today Sir?"
"Visiting my mother-in-law...My mother-in law, during the War, would date someone if she knew they had an extra ration card for shoes."
A middle-aged man: "It's a good idea to try to give somebody something every day: even if it's just a smile."
"How are you doing today ma'am?"
"Fair to middlin'."
"So what does that mean?"
"How much do you owe me?" the man asks.
"Uh, $10.26."
"Alright then, pay up."
"What?"
"You said you owe me $10.26."
(Handing out $5.11 in change) "Your total is five dollars and eleven cents."
(Pressing the total button on the register) "Your change is twenty-eight dollars and twenty-three cents. I mean, your total. Sorry, I'm tired."
"I'm sorry, the credit card machine just doesn't like you." (No joke, it takes a good 40% of people three swipes to get it to take...sometimes it's the machine, sometimes not)
"How was your day?"
(Gruffly) "If it had been a good day, I wouldn't be here buying Ice Cream."
"Where do you work?"
"I'm an elementary school teacher."
"Oh, cool, how long have you been doing that?"
"Four years." (dang it, she's probably out of my league ;) )
"Do you like it?"
"I love it, but I don't think I want to do it for the rest of my life."
"Ah, just the kids or..."
"No, it's the parents. Most parents just...really aren't concerned about their kids getting an education."
"What are you up to this evening?"
"Well, I'm gonna go pray and we're gonna see people healed...(How do you respond to that? He goes on to talk about God's healing and various healings he's seen)...I've seen everything but the dead raised." (He then goes on to talk about how he's confident he will see that happen before his life is over)
The same man (at a later date):
"What you been up to today?"
"Hanging dry wall for my daughter. (goes on, it's obvious he's worn out and this was difficult for him)...but you know, Give thanks to God in all circumstances."
"Even sheetrocking?"
"Yeah, even sheetrocking."
I've talked to people running late for their wedding rehearsal, people going through divorces, young baseball players defeated and victorious. I met a woman from Persia who is a Kindergarten teacher...she's been here in the states longer than I've been conscious of the world, and I wonder which of us is more American. Some of the Spanish speakers like it when I talk to them in Spanish...some of them feel self-conscious. Amusingly, I've had a few conversations lately where for understanding's sake I would speak Spanish and the person I've been talking to responds in English.
Yesterday I had dinner with a Korean War Vet, a guy who was a Trucker for 45 years before he retired, a guy who's helped raise kids, grandkids, and now a great-grandson. Yes, I sat down with a stranger in a fast-food restaurant. Yes, I would recommend it, and no, you should not go try to sit with the pretty girl in the corner (I mean, well...if no one else is sitting alone, go for it, but otherwise, pick somebody else, you'll learn more.). He was concerned about the lack of progress in our society, the lack of education and values in today's youth, the lack of common sense and work ethic. He felt like society had regressed if anything. He was definitely a member of "the greatest generation," one of those people who believes in doing right because it's right:
"If you've got an opportunity to get an education, get as much as you can."
"...Well, I just feel like, with where I'm at in life and with my faith that...I've got a lot of head knowledge but I don't know much about living."
"Like common sense? Well, maybe you need to take a year or two off before you go back."
Mebbe so, kid. George Müller and Mat Kearney haunt me: "No parachutes of safety nets here, one foot on the water to face these fears." And one foot in the boat so we can pay the rent (?). I'm torn between leaving my nets and tentmaking, the spiritual and the physical. But I have peace. I feel human, a sort of sometimes-lovable screwup who can't seem to figure out how to live community, communicate, or figure out where he's going. Taran Wanderer. Thanks friends...It's good to be myself.
"Here we go, there's nothing left to choose. And here we go, there's nothing left to lose."
"Freefall, weightless and terrified. On I go, crossing over, from living to so alive."
