Vintage: Summer News Flashes (not to be confused with hot flashes) (Aug 2008)

Apparently the Bunny Messiah has come and gone. I'm not sure what this means for us humans, but my friend Gina had a rabbit named Sammy who was born on Christmas and died on Easter. The most interesting thing about this is that I'm certain the bunny anti-Christ has already come...although I can't really decide if it's the little white rabbit from Monty Python or the Easter bunny. The theological implications are endless, but needless to say the salvation of our furry friends is hanging in the balance.

Speaking of apocalyptic visions, I went to the beach in California...apparently it was a nude beach, and the guys were the fattest people I'd ever seen. I was about to make a sarcastic comment when my sister told me they were actually elephant seals.

Alexa rocks my flip-flops. I know this because she told me so and then wrote it in the dust on our van in Mexico. I'm not really sure "rocking one's flip flops" means. I mean, everybody rocks socks...though, then again, I'm not really sure what that means either. I could understand if we were talking about rocking our socks off. But then I still don't understand why you'd be so hard on a rocking chair, unless you were having a serious crisis or had just drank two monsters. (By the way, is anyone else disturbed by the concept of energy drinks with zero calories that say “do not give to young children?”) Rocking chairs remind me of this Atlanta Braves coach who would sit in the dugout rocking back and forth all game, every game.

And just when it looked like the Braves' season couldn't get any worse, Russia has recently invaded Georgia. Or more precisely, they've invaded the ungovernable part of Georgia that wants to defect from Georgia, plus the other half of the country that's nearby. I guess that must be the area around Atlanta, cuz I can't imagine revolution in Savannah, not after what Sherman did. Go home Russia! Georgia belongs to the U.S!

But if the Georgians are gonna defect again, I think California should secede from the Union too. We should probably wait until Bush leaves office though, because I don't want to be blown into the Pacific. Anyway, the main reasons I think this is important is that 1)Arnold Schwarzenegger could be president. 2)We could put Arnie on the 20 dollar bill. 3)Becoming a separate country from the U.S. would allow for the IMF to come in and help us with our state government's spending problems. 

And the gold for cutest Olympian goes to...Shelly Ann Fraser, the Jamaican girl who won the 100m. Killer smile that won't stop smiling + braces = unbeatable. In second, we have Shawn Johnson with the Silver. 4'9"...sixteen years old. She just looks like she's out there having fun...and then she does four consecutive backflips on a balance beam without readjusting her feet. 

And although I know my masculinity might be questioned over my choice for bronze, Usain Bolt's little pose and chest bump as he strutted across the finish line in world record time was too cute to not get a nod. (GEEZ DUDE! YOU COULD'VE OBLITERATED THE WORLD RECORD, BUT INSTEAD YOU PULLED UP WITH 30 METERS TO GO! I guess he wants to make things sporting, so he can break the world record again later.) Here's your bronze medal, Mr. Bolt.

That's a wrap. Not like a shawl, but like one of those cheesy chicken things in a warm tortilla...aahh. Which is what I think we should give the Russians to pacify them. I mean, I'd be cold and belligerent too if all I didn't get some good Mexican-American food occasionally. Let's just not start the Cold/Civil War II, okay guys? I want to be able to visit St. Petersburg someday, and Tbilisi too if it's still around. 

Seriously. Peace. Out.