Vintage: Diary of a Klutz (July 2008)

I like to think of it as Animal Magnetism. I attract danger, like Jason Bourne or Vin Diesel. I have skills, like Jet Li or Martha Stewart. When ordinary folks would fall down on the wet floor in the KFC kitchen, I just slide on by because I have fallen down on ice enough times that I know how to walk without traction.

I like to think of it as keeping other people on their toes. You didn't expect me to drop that dime out the drive-through, did you? Are you the kind of person who will open your door and get out of your car right in front of the window? Or will you coolly dismiss such small change with a wave of your paw? That's right, I'm an also an excellent judge of character.

So when I see two guys coming after me, one with a water hose and one with a bucket full of water, I know it's time to run. And running is one of those skills that one picks up with Animal Magnetism. (Like a magnet picks up paper clips.)

Except not so much, cuz I tripped and sprained my foot, spent the next day in the ER, and have missed work for almost a week now.

Which brings me to a sub-note:

Tips for Making an Impression in Youth Ministry

Tip 1: Make it challenging. Don't just let them catch you and soak you without a fight.

Tip 2: Make your first time memorable. Don't just hang out, get injured.

Tip 3. Make it sporting the next time around. Just because they think you'll be an easy target on crutches doesn't mean you should let them soak you without a fight.

End sub-note.

So I've been on crutches lately. And yes, high-schoolers find strange glee in chasing down and drenching people on crutches. (Honestly, I thought it was hilarious, though part of me still can't believe they did it.)

But that's okay, when you have my kind of Animal Magnetism, you get crutch skills. And that's why I was playing dodgeball and tackling flights of stairs in search of buried treasure on Friday night; and mud-wrestling elephant seals, eating pirozhki, and walking miles along the California coast on Saturday, all on crutches. (Well, except eating pirozhki...that I did on my fat butt.)

Okay, so I might have put the crutches aside to play dodgeball, and the Elephant Seal mud-wrestling was more a…spiritual battle than a physical one. But with my Animal Magnetism, it was quite the fight.